My non-debate experience

So yesterday, by no choice of my own, I was asked the question that belivers everywhere dread being asked. You all know what one I'm talking about...or at least one of the top five, including questions regarding The Trinity,The Literal Bible, Creation vs. Evolution, Heaven and Hell, and my own personal worst nightmare "If there's a God, why does He allow us to suffer?" The typical Why do bad things happen to good people conundrum. This time it had a bit of a different spin on it, for the friend who asked it is African, from Ethiopia and asked with great fervor, "If there is a God why does he favor North America and leave Africa to suffer, fighting wars and poverty?" with the added cherry of "And why is God a man, when the giver of life is woman?" I was, of course, seized with blind panic, knowing that any answer I gave off the top of my head would sound contrived and would be ineffective to answer his question. To top it off, he was looking for a debate, being very enthused at the idea of beating me at a debate.
This is something I have continually struggled with as a believer. I find that every single religious debate that I've ever been involved in, or overheard, is a lose-lose situation. Either it serves to alienate the person by the hardline and heated responses given in a moment of tension and passion, or neither person is able to make the other see their point, as they are both emotionally charged and breathing fire. Over the past few years I've contented myself to leave the debating to those who enjoy it as sport, and convieniently have to go to the bathroom every said debates spring up.
This, however, was different. I was faced with a choice. I am the only Christian in my office where these questions were being asked, there was no one to bale me out. I told my friend that probably no matter what answer I gave, he would not accept it, and also told him of my decision not to debate due to the futility of it. Surprisingly he agreed, and I breathed for the first time in 4 minutes (or so it felt). Now comes the choice. I was almost content to leave the conversation at that. He seemed satisfied in my response, and yet I knew that these questions would continue to fuel his frustration if they remained unadressed. I must say that I am sickened that after being a believer for so long I still face blind panic everytime I am faced with a tough question. I think though, in my defense, that some of this panic is generated from failed conversations in the past where I faced impossible debates, and came out looking like a snake taming fundamentalist. I said a quick prayer reminding God of the verse in Acts about receiving the necessary words at the necessary time, and spent the next 10 minutes writing out my response (I always feel more confident on paper) while trying to look like the dedicated employee that I'm not.
Here's what I said:
"My answer to your question has a few parts. First of all, please do not think that I haven't wrestled with those exact questions many times myself, and I can admit that I don't understand, and I get angry at God when I see people suffer as well, and it's ok to be angry.
Our relationship with God is similar to the relationship of a parent to a child. When we were created God was so in love with us that he placed us in a paradise, with everything we needed to survive, but like any parent He gave us the opportunity to choose our own path - for what are we, individually, without the freedom to choose. When we wanted to see what was beyond that paradise and gain knowledge to rival God's He allowed us that choice, but it also distanced us from Him in a way that caused us to experience pain and suffering. We gained knowledge that we were not designed to know (ex: the effect of the differences between gender) which is why we refer to God as a "Him" God is above gender, just as He is beyond time, but our minds do not have an understanding or a comprehension of that, thus God is referred to as the dominant gender of the time, which was "He"
As for the suffering of Africa I cannot say why they suffer so much political unrest, famine and poverty, but I can say that African people are blessed with some of the BEST personalities and genuine character traits that I have ever seen. And while they suffer famine and fight wars against poverty, we suffer depression, suicide and unthankfulness. Our nations God is every nations God and the suffering of one nation, though much more visible weighs on His heart as much.
I cannot answer the question of Why does God not smooth the unrest of Africa, or the middle east, or the blood thirst of the USA. I wish I knew how to tell you why we suffer. All I know is that we suffer either way, and I'd rather suffer for Him and with Him (or Her) than do it alone.
This response is not meant to convince you of anything, as you are certainly entitled to your own beliefs, but you asked me and it was important to me to take the time to give you my answer and what is behind it, whether it's acceptable or not.
Thanks"

OK, so I need your input, is there anything I missed? I was going completely on what God gave me in the moment that I needed it, but I am still a little unsure. He asked me when he took the response home with him if he could come back with an argument, and I said by all means, though I may not respond. All he said when I came in this morning was that the respsone "was deep" and that I should be a writer - YAY AFFIRMATION! :-)
So thoughts, commetns are welcome. Thank you for reading all of that. :-D

I am the Ocean

I am a waverer.
My choices seldom mean anything, especially to me. They can be made as easily as clay is molded, and smashed down again when teh artist dislikes her work, or thinks of a better muse.
Change comes easy to me, it is my life. Constants are few and far between. I prefer the playful ocean to the majesty of the mountains.
Even the oceans need the mountains. They are codependant. Two units of a divine equation, relying on each other and despising each other in the same breath.
A wave.
A rock.
And they have lapsed into one another, bound together in cohesive beauty.

I am the ocean. Rioting and trashing the rocks, aching to change their tiresome stance, and craving their stalwart presence.
You are the mountains. Solid, Silent, unmoving. Your runoff gives me life, and yet you remain unmoved by my unrest. Your landslides are but a shaking off of loose skin, to make you look even more noble in your stillness.
I will never move you, nor can I alter you. And you will never stop me.
So we remain.

~Me

Limits

*Thank you to all of you who support me with your comments and your phone calls and your love, I cannot tell you how much it means*

So they announced on the radio that Brad Pitt is coming to Edmonton to film a movie. This I already knew. Lets be serious - it's Brad Pitt - I make it my business to know. I'd like to think that you could measure a person by how they react to a celebrity, however knowing that I would fail this test miserably, I hope nobody actually does judge me on that fact. By the way, I'm planning a pilgrimage to every Starbucks that's close to the Hotel McDonald for a 2 month period while he is staying here..... just kidding. However, he is on my top five list, so I am allowed to look. Ask Derek, he'll confirm this.

****Subject Change

Part of my job is answering the phones, which I don't mind too much. There are always things that are frustrating when answering the phones at an office, such as people not telling you they're on vacation, or someone who puts their phone on do not disturb and gets lots of persistant callers who want to hold for them. However, on a given day I can handle most of these things. The thing that I can't handle is being a human caller ID. I hate lying. I hate lying for someone else even more than I hate lying for myself (I don't know what that says about me, but whatever). When somebody comes up to me and says "Rachel, if George Myarchnemesis phones, it is IMPERATIVE that you tell him that I'm not here, because he's my ex and I don't want to talk to him"

First of all I will forget their name AS SOON as you have finished saying it.
Second, I have a job to do, and it does not entail asking who every single caller that comes through our office is.
Third, you have a job to do, and part of it is picking up your phone. You don't want to deal with your personal life at work? Then don't give out your work number.
I realize that I sound pretty calloused (in lieu of another word) but there is only so much I can remember and the names of somebody's ex or that annoying sales guy is just not going to fit in my brain. The sermon on Sunday left me with a phrase. "I am limited, therefore I must live within my limits" I've decided that this is going to be one of them.
On that topic of limits, it's almost comforting to know that we are limited. We are not designed to achieve the unimaginable, that is for God. Once we can admit that we are limited it allows us to realize that He is limitLESS... and that is something. We spend so much time thinking that if we work harder or press on longer we will be able to conquer anything. It's not true, and I find solace in the fact that I can give those unfathomable cares to The One who is limitless, and has the ability to use that power without abusing it. Though it may not always fall into my frame of reference, and I don't understand the why's and especially the when's, I can fully trust in His power, because I am limited and He is not. Even if I wasn't ok with this, I wouldn't have much of a choice. So I embrace my limits, and bow down to His lack of.

Control

Today is a day of introspection for me. (Fortunately my job does not require my full mental capacity so I am able to let my minder wander freely and work at the same time) I feel like I am greiving, and I don't know why. OR maybe I do. I wonder if what has happened over this past year has affected me in a way that I haven't fully realized. (Those of you that know me will know what I am referring to, since we have been through it together) I think sometimes that I have put it behind me enough to feel it only when I let it out of Pandora's box, and then it comes out full force, however I have learned to control when and where that happens, so it is manageable - or so I thought. I think that when I am tired, or saddened by something else, when my guard is down, the lock that I keep so tightly fastened on Pandora's box opens, and out come these terrible feelings of loss and grief, as though I am standing at a brick wall, pounding my fist against it, and when I turn around, another wall is already being raised while my back was turned.
I don't know how to deal with these feelings, or more importantly to separate them from other frustrations that may not require such a strong reaction. Derek and I have hit a brick wall with film school. Every bank that he has approached has told him that without a cosigner for this loan (which we do not have) he is out of luck. By no means are we giving up on this dream, however there is the sting of rejection each time we hit another roadblock. My dad and I were discussing it, and he called it "The testing of a dream" which I think is more true than we realize. I know that Derek stands to have a HUGE influence on people when he combines the skills that he will learn with the passion he has to reach people in a new way, and I think the bigger the potential for the right kind of influence, the more roadblocks we will hit, and the easier it will be to give up. So I pray for perserverance, guidance and a little bit of divine intervention as we process these roadblocks and continue working towards our goal. Tomorrow is the deadline for the deposit and we do not have it. So we trust, and ache.
I started out talking about feelings that I thought were controlled. They aren't. I don't think emotions of this nature can be harnessed in the way that I want them to be. If I have said or done anything out of anger or frustration that has been offensive to any of you, please, accept my sincerest apology. If I have been absent and unavailable, it is partially because of the time and energy that we are investing in this plan for the future, and partially because I have an almost overpowering desire to detatch myself from people, not only because they have the potential to hurt me, but I have a greater potential to hurt them, in my absence and brokeness of late. It is not for lack of love.
Rachel

Title Block

Kinda like writers block, but only pertaining to titles.
Guess what? I'm not going to whine about weddings or showers or anything like that!! I may whine a little bit about my car which needs to get the front axle replaced, after just having the tail pipe replaced....geez one at a time.
I was reading Chuck's blog today and he was discussing the fire at the church on Friday that Jorgan and Leann were getting married in, and it just surprised me that I was about 2 blocks away from that church when the explosion when off, and I was wondering what happened, little did I know that Leann and friends were actually in that building...hmmm... coincidences are crazy.
So they say it's going to rain tonight, and it's not that I doubt the incredibly accurate weather people, but as I sit and look at the blue sky and fluffy clouds (slightly tainted by the fact that I'm inside the office) it's hard to see the rain.
It smelled so good outside yesterday evening. I was standing outside waiting to meet Lisa in front of my house just breathing in the smells of wet grass and moistened soil, and I just wanted to go away. I wanted to be camping and hiking and playing frisbee. Why is it that I feel like I need a vacation every couple weeks? I think it's because I want to accomplish so much and I do nothing when I work other than go home and "relax" (my personal favorite euphemism for being lazy). I suppose I will shake things up enough when we go to Vancouver.
Anyone else going to see Star Wars this weekend? We are actually putting aside our "have to be there opening night" compulsions and waiting until Sunday. I think the desire to not get mauled by a pretened Darth Maul is outweighing the desire to see it immediately. I mean, we get the jist of what's gonna happen. Anniken and Padme get married, Obi Wan Kenobe comes out of the closet and Yoda confesses that his mother was acutally a tree frog. Please resist the urge to correct all my mispellings, I realize it's an insult to the force but I have a boyfriend and plans every Friday night so I don't actually have time to check the official Star Wars dictionary on how to spell Jaba the Hut. (ouch where did that viciousness come from? I scare myself sometimes)
Derek and I watched "Closer" the other night. I have to say I was really impressed with the scripting and direction. The dialogue was very witty and it was't let down by the direction, they seemed go hand in hand. It definately leaves you thinking.
Must go...Lunch is nigh.

Making Ends Meat

That's what I used to think was the correct meaning of the phrase "Making Ends Meet" I thought that Ends Meat was a way of saying that you have enough meat to feed your family. I didn't know who Ends was, or if maybe that was the hind end of the meat because that's all you could afford... but that's what I thought.

I am really beginning to panic about these weddings. Not the weddings themselves, but for every wedding there is at LEAST one shower, sometimes two. I have already been invited to two showers over the next couple weeks, and there is just NO possible way that I can make my paycheck stretch that far. I don't even want to go in with anybody, because my $5 contribution is not going to make any difference, except to embarass me to give it. Ahhh Pride.... I am still recovering from our trip to BC, with a little help from some wonderful people! ;-)
It doesn't seem like a big deal to the casual onlooker but it's really a rock and a hard place to me. These girls are my friends - I am SO excited for them and I WANT to celevrate with them, but I don't want to be the one showing up to the lingerie shower with a Wal-Mart thong that's been marked down 3 times, or with a candle from the dollar store. I also don't want to decline invitations because I can't seem to keep money in my bank account.

It's a very difficult thing to swallow your pride, show up with what you can afford, sit there and watch all the elaborate gifts pour in, and be comfortable knowing that you did what you could. I know this is a lot of what I am putting on myself, and it's probably a stupid thing to blog about, but it's what's on my mind, and you don't have to read it if it's boring. But still leave comments!!!!

Until the next crisis....

That kind of faith!

Let me begin by saying we have experienced a MASSIVE answer to prayer. Derek has been accepted upon his FIRST interview to the film program at BCIT in Burnaby. He will start classes in November with his very own G4 Powerbook Mac laptop and a top of the line digital video camera as part of his tuition. We will be moving out there in the early fall, providing that the funding all comes through. If anybody has any knowledge of government grants or scholarships - please let us know. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night I was reading in Acts chapter 3 about Peter healing the lame man. It really struck me, probably even more so than the miracles that Christ performed. (If that's not too blasphemous) It's partly because I fully realize Christ's divinity. I know that he had the power to heal and cast out demons. But mostly it was Peter's enormous faith that got me really thinking. If you read in verses 6 and 7 it describes how Peter strolled over to man and told him to get up in the name of Jesus, and he did. There was no doubting, no hesitation. It was as though Peter knew beyond a SHADOW of a DOUBT that this man would be healed by Christ's power through him. That got me to thinking, why can't I have this kind of faith? Did Peter have it because he had witnessed the power of Christ first hand? Or did he just go that deep, surrender that much, that there was no doubt. I started to wonder if I would even want to have God heal someone through me. What a media scandal that would be. Now I understand why Jesus said "alright you're all healed, but keep quiet about it would ya?" (Not in those exact terms of course) Either way, reading about Peters utter confidence in the power of his Lord and his vehemance in making sure the people knew that the power was not his was inspiring.

Derek and I went to Millwood's Pentecostal's Young Adult service last night. It was the first time we have gone to a service together in Edmonton since we have stopped attending Sol. I didn't expect it to be that hard. There was this lingering feeling that we were betraying something that we loved and turning our back on something that we had strived for. The worship was great. The band was really tight and yet their lack of contrived emotion was refreshing (especially in a Pentecostal church :-) no scathing comments please) The service focused on practicing consistant compassion without media motivation, and while it was not quite the meat and potatoes that we were looking for, it was presented in an open and direct manner, that was lacking a hidden agenda. We enjoyed the candor of the speaker, but still came away with mixed feelings. I think this is just part of our healing process.

Anyway I better post this before my boss gets back.