Control

Today is a day of introspection for me. (Fortunately my job does not require my full mental capacity so I am able to let my minder wander freely and work at the same time) I feel like I am greiving, and I don't know why. OR maybe I do. I wonder if what has happened over this past year has affected me in a way that I haven't fully realized. (Those of you that know me will know what I am referring to, since we have been through it together) I think sometimes that I have put it behind me enough to feel it only when I let it out of Pandora's box, and then it comes out full force, however I have learned to control when and where that happens, so it is manageable - or so I thought. I think that when I am tired, or saddened by something else, when my guard is down, the lock that I keep so tightly fastened on Pandora's box opens, and out come these terrible feelings of loss and grief, as though I am standing at a brick wall, pounding my fist against it, and when I turn around, another wall is already being raised while my back was turned.
I don't know how to deal with these feelings, or more importantly to separate them from other frustrations that may not require such a strong reaction. Derek and I have hit a brick wall with film school. Every bank that he has approached has told him that without a cosigner for this loan (which we do not have) he is out of luck. By no means are we giving up on this dream, however there is the sting of rejection each time we hit another roadblock. My dad and I were discussing it, and he called it "The testing of a dream" which I think is more true than we realize. I know that Derek stands to have a HUGE influence on people when he combines the skills that he will learn with the passion he has to reach people in a new way, and I think the bigger the potential for the right kind of influence, the more roadblocks we will hit, and the easier it will be to give up. So I pray for perserverance, guidance and a little bit of divine intervention as we process these roadblocks and continue working towards our goal. Tomorrow is the deadline for the deposit and we do not have it. So we trust, and ache.
I started out talking about feelings that I thought were controlled. They aren't. I don't think emotions of this nature can be harnessed in the way that I want them to be. If I have said or done anything out of anger or frustration that has been offensive to any of you, please, accept my sincerest apology. If I have been absent and unavailable, it is partially because of the time and energy that we are investing in this plan for the future, and partially because I have an almost overpowering desire to detatch myself from people, not only because they have the potential to hurt me, but I have a greater potential to hurt them, in my absence and brokeness of late. It is not for lack of love.
Rachel