Fix You

This is my new favorite song right now, by Colplay.

I was having a talk with my mom and dad yesterday. We went to a church out here which will henceforth be named Yuppie-ville Alliance. The worship was pretty good (piano player was off rhythm) The sermon had some good points (the preacher said "irrespective" four times - is that even a word?) and the atmosphere was generally friendly (I think some of the girls forgot to change their bar-clothes from the night before.) Will I ever be able to turn off this part of my brain that can't do the typical church anymore? It seemed like I could do nothing except shudder at the typicality of it all. Going to to Sol Cafe definitely changed my idea about what kind of church I want to be involved in, and how I want to approach my communal spiritual journey. This being said I still hold with the mantra that even the yuppiest of churches can still have a viable ministry to people who are looking for a certain style in a place of worship. They still care for the broken, still delve into his teachings to try and understand the mystery that is our God, still raise their voices to praise the creator even if they do it with the keys to their mercedes jingling in their pockets.

I crave to be a person who can worship my Father in any circumstance. Whether I am in a catholic mass or a christian rave. I just can't seem to shut off the cynical side of my brain that says "This could be so different!" I don't understand why all of the sudden I am so anti-church. It seems as though I don't fit anywhere anymore. I definately don't fit into the typical "Southgate welcome lunch" atmosphere, but I think if I went to a church that approached things similar to the open conversational style of Sol Cafe, I wouldn't fit there either, because it just wouldn't be Sol Cafe. I think I need to ask to be taught how to worship in any and all circumstances. Church is just another setting. It's not the foundation of my faith.

My dad and I got to talking about some of the ministry experience that he's had over the almost 30 years of being a pastor. He was reflecting upon the people that have crossed their path and ended up remarking "It's just a long line of broken people" to which I replied "aren't we all broken people?" he said "Every sinlge one".

And I can't help but think with the utmost sincerity how comforting that thought is.

Looking Forward...and Looking Back

!!We found a place for Derek!!

The landlord called this afternoon to confirm. It's not the one that we went to go see and the lady wouldn't call me back, but it's funkier! I love it. It is a rockin little basement pad on the Burnaby side of Hastings Street. Forget what you've heard about the horrors of West Hastings....this is East Hastings, where the fun flows like Rickard's Red and the movies are abundant! I'm so excited! It's been a long haul, with some nasty places that will haunt my dreams for years to come, but after seeing six rejects and one hopeful that didn't work out, we found a home for the soon to be displaced, eldest of the Langer children, and I can't wait for him to get here!

The pictures are on flickr if you want to see them, but the girl currently living in there *forgot* to clean before we saw it so Chuck, don't let Erika look she'll have nightmares for weeks. I'm very excited to set it up with all of Derek's cool stuff. His stuff is much much cooler than mine...but really, it's all mine in the end right? Just kidding, don't tell him I said that.

So there's the looking forward. Here's the looking back.

I was looking back over some of my previous blogs and comments today. I find that reading things that encouraged me in the past, serve to encourage me in the present as well. I delved into my archives and read a few of my bad day posts, and despite being told to "suck it up princess" to the point of being emotionally scarring, there were some really amazing things written by you, my friends. It caused me to reflect a little one what I've been through and learned this past year, and while I'm sure you're all dying to hear that in great detail, that post will have to wait until I have about 5 hours to write it. But I did just want to remark at what an amazing group of friends I have. Thanks to all of you for all your support and words of encouragement, well wishing, church talk, phone calls, and general fun-good-times over the past year. Y'all know who you are and I don't think I would have made it through without you guys. I miss you a lot. All of you. Thanks.

Speaking of encouragement, still uncertain on the bloggers meeting. And despite Chucks oh-so (in)sane comment that I should go, and something else about monkeys - ? - I remain undecided. Survivor OR scary people I don't know.....Warm fuzzy reality T.V. OR conversational debates with new faces.....Sitting at home OR possibly meeting new friends.... it's so all so overwhelming, I just want to go shopping!! Fortunately this decision carries little weight except the amount of gas my car will use, and my lack of finances. I already spent my weeks allowance going out for dinner with Fred, but maybe that could be last week's allowance since it was on Sunday, and really, Sunday can go either way. I need a job.

The House Hunt

Well....the basement suite hunt it more like it. We have been to look at 4 places now for Derek. The fourth one we want. It's bright, very spacious, huge kitchen - altogether lovely, except the lady won't call me back. I called her last night to let her know we wanted it and when could we bring her the deposit. She said she would discuss it with her husband and call me back - which she hasn't done. So I attempted to call her back, but they have that voicemail that comes on when they're on the phone, so I can't get through. I don't mind going to look at more places, but I just don't like sitting and waiting on pins and needles for a place that we like. To see pictures, go visit my flickr account. www.flickr.com/photos/rteichrob/

In other news, there is a peat moss bog burning in Delta. It should be a sunny day here, but we are covered in, as Darren put it "A nuclear winter" (It's pronounced Nu-cue-lar!) It's not cold, but the sky looks as though the city lies in ruin. Fortunately it doesn't, and I'm considering going to a bloggers meeting that is set up in Vancouver on Thursday night. It's a chance for lower mainland bloggers to get to know each other and discuss and... (wait for it chuck)... debate. My desire to go is conflicted by my fear of going alone, not knowing how to get there or where to park, being afraid of looking stupid in front of pretentious B.C. folk, and wanting to watch the premiere of Survivor. The last of these being both the lamest and most pressing issue.

I watched I <3 Huckabees last night, and am still recovering from intense wierdness, and Jude Law with a very unfortunate American accent. I could listen to him talk for hours...I wish he was the voice in my head instead of me... I can be very grating after a time.

Farewell friends, let me know if you think I should go to the Blogger's meeting.

The Christian Catch Phrase

There has been a decided lack of blogging in our little blogring...have I unintentionally passed on the blogger's block to all my not-so-nearest and dearest? Oops.

Have been thinking a little bit about the phrase "relying on God" As many of you know, my whole spiritual journey has been turned upside down this year, causing me to re-think the phrases that I learned to say and believe without question.

"Surrender it to the Lord"

I know that I am out in B.C. by myself for a reason. I know that I need to find a place for Derek to live. Why there is so much attached to this decision I don't know. There is more than just a little vacation before Derek gets here. Finding a job, settling in, learning the city, deciding my future...

"Seek His direction."

Direction for what? My future? How to get to Starbucks? I really thought I was ready for this kind of change. I thought I had prepared myself for all that would come with this course of action. Of course I had not. I feel displaced in a way that I never imagined I would. I thought I knew enough about the city to be comfortable here. I thought I would keep myself busy trying to find a job, seeing the sights, setting up my space. I never thought I wouldn't want to do any of those things. I never thought I would shy away from adventure. And yet....

"Lean on the Lord, He'll pull you through"

Through what? I can't even classify what it is I'm going though - change overload? Derek withdrawal? Quarter life crisis? A wise man, who happens to be my father told me that loving God above everyone and everything else in your life has nothing to do with emotion, and everything to do with obedience. I take immense comfort in that. I know in my head that ultimately I have no choice but to do what God calls me to, unless I decide to completely turn my back, but my feelings can't seem to understand that pain is sometimes on the menu for that kind of lifestyle. I have a feeling that I am being strengthened through my weakness during this time, more than I even realize. I am finding out a lot about myself, and re-examining the Christian catch phrases.

"All in God's time."

That is not a comforting phrase to me anymore. It's an absolute (which is weird coming from someone reading about metaphysics and experiential knowledge). If I'm praying for God to direct my life, and it's not in His timing for me to be somewhere or do something, then only by contradicting His timing will that thing happen, and that's not where I should ultimately be. Therefore if I say I want what God wants for me, then I have no choice but to respect His timing. Even if it doesn't seem to work out the way I wish it would, if I choose to obey that, I demonstrate that my obedience has mastery over my desires. If only I could get my desires to fall in line with that, and yet, that's part of the struggle right?

Human nature vs. Divine timing - Friday night fight at the MGM Grand!

Anyway, I know that there's more to be learned out here, but the purpose of it all is clouded by my conflicting feelings of loneliness, excitement, and intense missing of Derek. And somehow, thinking of the people who have it way worse than me, and trust me - there's many - isn't helping. But for that discussion, go back to posts about selfishness. Maybe that's what I need to learn.

Anyway, the weather is gorgeous, I got to hear my dad's jazz band play and talk to all the really nice graduate students at Trinity today, and I made plans with Fred tomorrow. Also, I have an appointment to see an apartment on Monday for Derek, and will hopefully make a couple more before the weekend is up. Also my mom bought me "Lemony Snicketts - A Series of Unfortunate Events" on DVD and I got Derek "The Aviator" for a wicked price! Ok, well that's al the bloggy goodness for tonight.

P.S. Am starving for friendly news from Edmonton, please feel free to blog at will! (You know - like "fire at will" from Star Trek? Ya know... like when Captain Picard says "fire at will"...and then they all do? With the torpedos and all that jazz? See what I did there - with the play on words? C'mon! I made a joke...it's funny....awww forget it.

A Little More on Film School

At the British Columbia Institute of Technology they have recently added a new program to their menagerie of partnership certificates. It is a one year intensive program called Film Flex, designed to bolster the Canadian film industry by contributing motivated film makers with the know how to create a film from pre-planning to post-production. Including courses in cinematography, non-linear editing, business and how to plan a for your budget, the Film Flex program ensures a well rounded course load. This allows students to understand all aspects involved in film making and then decide whether they wish to start their own business as an independent film maker, or find a position with a company already established in the industry.

After checking out more than a couple of the many film programs the lower mainland has to offer, Derek and I both agreed that BCIT is a step above the others. The total cost of the one year program falls in the same vicinity as most other West Coast schools, but with an added bonus. BCIT has a mandatory technology fee that they charge students of $11, 500. Normally I would not call this a bonus, however, in return for this fee each student is handed a Macintosh G4 Powerbook, complete with Production Suite Academic (including Final Cut Pro editing software), an AG-DVX100AP Min-DV Camcorder, and a Manfrotto Tripod system. This equipment package is dropped into each students lap during the first week of courses, and is essentially held by the student on behalf of the school until graduation when it becomes the property of the student.

This technology package singles out BCIT above the other schools, in both status and price. Although the program hits the same $30, 000 mark as several other programs, the student walks away with not only the knowledge they need to make a feature film, but they own all the equipment as well. This, however, poses a problem. The $16, 500 of tuition required for the 12 month program is payable by cash, credit, or student loan. The technology package, however, is not covered by government loans, or financial aid through BCIT. Essentially because all the equipment will become the students personal property upon graduation. Although this is the main reason we chose BCIT, it is also the biggest road block to getting there.

Moving from Alberta to BC, you are liable to experience some pressure on the wallet as you learn to cope with higher accommodation and gas prices, as well as PST. The fact that your living expenses increase by about 15% does not ease the reality that there is little or no funding to help you pay for a technology package that is mandatory to your education. I understand the conundrum of receiving student funding for what will become personal property, but after exhausting so many options, we are left wondering how this program is to be afforded.

Each student line of credit that will cover the cost of the fee plus living expenses requires a co-signer, which is not realistic in the case of some mature students. Credit cards charge an interest rate which cannot be afforded for the twelve intensive months where income is minimal. Banks laugh you out the door when you tell them you need $15, 000 to pay for filming equipment, and you will soon be a starving student in the West coasts most expensive city. We are continuing to seek out funding options, but we could use any help we can get. We don't lack any of the necessary passion, just the fuel for the financial fire. Any thoughts on funding, grants, bursaries, or available scholarships would be appreciated.

Official info on the Film Flex program can be viewed at: http://www.bcit.ca/study/programs/6740ipcert

The technology package can be viewed at: http://www.broadcastatbcit.com/filmflex/equipment.htm

Thanks!

Both Sides of the Coin

Is it possible to get writer's block for bloggers? Blogger's block? If it is I have it. There is so much new and different. In fact my whole life is different. There is NOTHING the same about it. I should have lots to say. Maybe I'm just too overwhelmed with change to be coherent. Maybe that's a good thing for you the reader. Maybe I'm just distracted by having 3-tier cable after having virtually nothing for the past two years!

Caution I'm going to be angst-y for a minute. (And Chuck if you use the "suck it up princess" shtick one more time....there will be words!) I really miss Derek. I feel like I left half of me back in Edmonton and that I'm walking around with a huge part of me missing. All of my conversations are only half full. It's strange, but such is the life of the dating couple with a dream. I'm not complaining, I'm just filling you in. I also miss Edmonton in general. I knew where at least 70% of the Wal-Marts were, where to find a Tim's no matter where in the city I happened to be, and there was always a Starbucks within a 5 block radius (Now it's actually a 2 block radius, but that doesn't help much when you don't know where you are.) I miss being able to walk into Cafe Dabar to wax philosophy with Matt and Chuck and find Erika reading _ _ _ -fiction *ahem* literary journals, online. I miss catching up on all the news with Amanda, and poker with Andrew and Kristen.

I suppose I miss most of these things in theory, since it hasn't been that long since any of them happened last, but I find the idea that I can't do them anytime I get the urge to very upsetting. Much more so than being able to do them and just not having the time.

On the lighter side....

1.) The weather has been great here. Not too hot, not cold or rainy.
2.) The trees don't have any yellow leaves yet.
3.) I will most likely go visit the ocean on the weekend. Perhaps I'll take my journal and let the sea salt inspire some sappy peice of poetry that will hopefully win me first prize in the "We Don't Actually Understand Any of This" magazine.
4.) I went to see both sets of grandparents today. I helped my mom's mom - Grandma G. - buy groceries and go to her eye appointment and she took me and my mom out for lunch. Then I had supper with my other grandparents who live about 10 blocks away from Grandma G. And I knew that this wasn't the last time I was going to see them for another 6 months.
5.) I have cable TV and internet in my bedroom, at my disposal, a long distance plan to talk to Derek anytime day or night, and meals being cooked for me and company to eat them with.
6.) I know this is a temporary thing, staying with my mom and dad, but after an incredibly tough year, it's REALLY REALLY nice to have family wanting to help you and care for you, and I'm so grateful to them for their support.

There is my positivity for today. I have to write both sides because I'm truly in conflict on the inside right now about how I feel about all this change. So there you have it, the good and the bad. That's life.

And for the LOVE! Would somebody please send me the contact information for the house? Address and phone number? Thanks :-)