Old Man Lips

I bartend and wait tables as a day job. That being said, it goes without question that I have a truck load of stories about people and their social artardedness. Most of these I will save for another time and place, but this one is too good to be true. I have this one regular. For the purposes of this story we will call him "Calvin" which means bald (and yes, he pretty much is). He comes in almost every single day, same table, same lunch, exactly two cups of coffee and he will resort to shaking his cup at you if you do not bring it within a time length that he considers to be reasonable. All the girls dote on him because he seems a sweet older man, and he is a war vet, which is out of most of our sheltered Canadian realms of comprehension, but it still earns him brownie points for the sole fact that he was there, brave enough to do something that we can't fathom. Anyhow, I digress. Calvin, however, is a bit of a randy older gent. He has flat out told me that he's tipping me extra when I wear a lower-cut shirt at work, and has proceeded to make some strange reference to him "vibrating" when I come around (I didn't ask, I won't surmise, you are welcome). He also tends to let me know when a younger woman comes in that he thinks is sexy and makes no bones about what he would like to do with her, given the chance.

So each day, when Calvin comes in, I bring him his coffee and complimentary bread and he gives me a hug and kiss on the neck/cheek area. Not my favorite moment of the day, but hey, if that's all the action they guy can get who am I to deprive him of it? Lately, he tells me, he's been crocheting to pass the time. He tells me he's been working on a table cloth, and I mention I could use a scarf. So he finishes up his table cloth and sets to work on a scarf. Yesterday he brought it in. "Blue, like your eyes" he says, beaming with pride. He is so proud of himself. It really is a nice scarf. So I go to give him a hug of gratitude when he grabs my shoulders, purses his lips and kisses me. Dead center on the mouth. Wow. I mean, it's a beautiful scarf, but nothing will erase the memory of juicy old man lips. Perhaps it wouldn't be such a big deal if I viewed him a little more like I view my grandfather (whom, by the way, I DO NOT kiss on the lips) and a little less like a hormonal adolescent in a senior citizens body. Watch the movie "Venus" with Peter O'Toole and you will know exactly what I am talking about.

I still feel slightly violated, and am not sure how I'm going to approach the next morning's hug and kiss scenario. Let's hope he doesn't get any wacky ideas about a new approach. Make no doubt about it, if I wasn't concerned about his Osteo-arthritis, I would have slugged him like he was 25.

So that's my story and I'm sticking to it.