Catching Up

So my parents are coming today, and I have to admit, I'm like a kid at Christmas. I am SO excited. I think they are getting here at about 4:30 and stopping by my office. The thing that makes me even more excited is that Derek is also very excited to see them. Now, I already knew that there was mutual adoration between him and my parents (I think I've actually been bumped to the outer ring since they've practically adopted him) but he is really looking forward to seeing them. This makes my heart sing. I don't think I could stand it if there was animosity, dislike, or dissaproval on any side of the equation. We are going out for dinner tonight, and there will be the momentous "merging of the families" as both sets of parents will go out for dinner on Sunday night for his birthday. Many prayers please....just kidding, it should be great!

So Mackenzie got baptised, and I must say I was surprised yet again by the enthusiasm that can be so contagious even within a group of 12 people. We clapped and cheered as he came out of the water and reigned down smiles abundant on him as we encouraged and congratulated him. It was great, because although there was music and worship and painting and speaking, the real focal point for me was celebrating Mackenzie. Which was good, because whenever Chuck and I play together we seem to bring the curse of have an amazing practice and losing the fire in the actual worship. I don't know if it's nerves, or just the fact that muscians tend to be spontaneous people who have bursts of passion, and that comes and goes during our practice, but we gotta shake the curse! Despite the fact that it's not a show, it's still frustrating to hear yourselves losing momentum. Either way, it was a blast to play together again, and incorporate some new instruments and styles into the mix. It was also really nice to finally meet the famous Paul Seburn, who's blog you can get to via Chuck, Matt or Erika's blogs.

As for the surprise party (Matt's book launch hoax) it went fairly well. I will never again use such a viable excuse because I had more than one person actually dissapointed in the lack of book launch party, and one who actually got upset with me. Which, when you've put a lot of work into a party, doesn't help the stress level. But either way, everyone seemed to have a good time, other than a few tense moments of family poker, however the situation was resolved before it came to blows, and I was able to come back inside from my hideout on the porch. I was surprised that we actually fit 12-15 people in my small basement suite without to much chlosterphobia or panicking. HUGE AMOUNTS of Gratitude to Erika, without who's help I would still be fighting the straightjacket. But Derek had fun and that's the most important thing.
So anyways it's done, and my house is cleaner than it has been since I moved in (I LOVE you Erika) and now I get to start thinking about moving. But not this week. This week it's family. And Grace. I'm still thinking about Grace.

Grace in the church. Grace in the office. Grace at the poker table. Grace when dealing with the waiter who gets my order wrong 3 times. Grace when the photocopier breaks. Grace when somebody makes me feel 3 inches tall. Grace when nobody understands my point. Grace when it hurts. Grace when it doesn't. Grace.

Relating

It's raining again.

I'm stuck at Cafe Dabar (I walked) waiting for the rain to subside, feeling rather reflective. I'm taking a break from the crossword that Erika and I have been cheating on because I've hit an impass. Maybe I will have some insight after some bloggy goodness.

I spent some time at post secret today catching up on this week's secrets and I read one that really resonated with me. Here it is:

***Sometimes I wonder if I have a mental illness, but I don't want to tell anybody because I am scared that my fears would be confirmed. So I don't tell people what is going on in my head, and I just pretend to be as normal as possible***

I wonder how common this thought is. This is directly tied into my thoughts on depression. I have definately been wrestling with this concept this past year, for a number of reasons. Partly due to blogging, I have come into contact with so many people who are SO unhappy. They write about the anti-depressants they are taking, and the doctors who don't listen, the family who doesn't understand, and the world in general that is against them. Each and every one of these people break my heart. And yet, something with in my psyche links my experience with theirs, though on a completely different level. I wonder if depression, or perhaps unhappiness, is a product of indulgence or an actual physical reaction to stress or chemical imbalances and the like. I wonder if there is a solution that we can find within our wills if we search hard enough. I wonder if there is a difference between unhappiness and a lack of joy. For although my level of surface-y happiness has been considerably reduced this year, it has only been in the rare moments lacking joy that I have known true despair. And these, while often fleeting, are truly indescribeable.

I have come to know that the body physically reacts to stress and anxiety. I see more rashes, breakouts, and I get sick to my stomach. Emotionally I get tired, clingy, and panicky. And yet I wonder if it's a choice that I'm making to experience such things. Could I pull myself from this state when it washes over me? Or am I the victim of unchangeable circumstance? Causality.
I suppose the point in question that I am ever-so-slowly coming too is *Do we, as people of faith, have a choice in how we deal with our emotions? Are we given extra "something" that allows us to bypass these feelings?* On first thought I think no. Just as we are not immune to the common cold we are not immune to anxiety or unhappiness. However that response is based on the assumption that unhappiness or lack of joy is actually a sickness and not strictly a refusal of a gift given by Christ.

But I HAVE to believe it's a sickness because I can't bring myself to admit that having an emotional breakdown is the same as turning away the provisions of Christ. That's like telling somebody that they are dying of cancer because of a lack of faith, or because there is unconfessed sin in their lives. It's such a load of crap. I feel as though I have received the better end of the deal in this sense compared to the above blogging friends that I've met, because although I struggle with anxiety from time to time, it does not consume me. I can laugh, I can feel, I can be content. I have a boyfriend who loves me, gets me, and lets me call him late at night to say "hi, how are you, I'm lonely", a family that supports me and understands me, and friends who have encircled me with more care and compassion than I thought possible. I have no desire to turn my back on my faith, in fact, my desire to grow has only been building. These things make me think that although I resonate with the secret above, I am ok. Really, ok.

Maybe I'm just struggling with the immense number of people that are dealing with depression or emotional breakdowns in our world, and feel as though they are totally alone, when really, they are more of a majority than you would even believe. I'm slightly frustrated as I write this because my thoughts are not coming out nearly as eloquently as I would hope, and I can't seem to get my ideas in the proper form, without sounding like an ignorant judgemental fool. Psycho babble to the enth degree. Maybe I just really don't want to go to work tomorrow....

It's not raining anymore, but due to the intense scariness of the prowling drunk student with the roving eyes who just screamed [literally] his presence into Dabar, I shall wait for a ride instead of attempting to walk home alone. I hope my Mom is reading this, she'd be so proud!

Grace

It seems to me that there is no room for grace in the church anymore. I have recently heard of yet another situation where the messenger has been the one to take the beating. It feels as though the house of God is becomming a house of closed doors, crossed arms and easy judgement. Maybe I'm just biased. If I was being totally honest right now, my level of desire to get involved in a church is pretty low. Slim to nil. My desire to have a loving caring community of friends and family who I spend time with often and grow with is still right up there, but add the word church in there and I want to turn my back.

This is not to say any of my beliefs have changed, or that my desire to grow and enrich myself spiritually and walk with God is any less. In fact, it is almost more, because I want to figure out why all this stuff is happening. Why is the institutionof the church hurting people? Why is the desire for a community so convoluted when we add church into it? Why am I hurting because of church?

*Big sigh*

These are questions that I don't even want to face most of the time. But it seems this is the prevalent issue for me right now. I don't really expect answers, and I don't expect most people to agree with my assessment. I know full well that I am biased by pain. However, this is my experience. It's where I'm at.
That's what a blog is for after all... isn't it?

Books...Even though I wasn't tagged.

OK I didn't get tagged by anybody but I love stuff like this.


How Many Books Do I Own?
I would guess around 100 - 150

Last Books I Bought?
"The Poisonwood Bible" by Barbara Kingsolver.
"Dracula" by Bram Stoker
I can't remember anymore.... that's lame!

Last Books I Read?
"The Da Vinci Code" Dan Brown - I found this one quite intriguing
"Dracula" Bram Stoker - I swear I could feel dracula watching as I read this one - an excellent read!
"Congo" Michael Crichton - An excellent researcher, I was astounded by his knowledge and impressed by his writing syle.

5 Books that Meant Alot to Me
1. Poetry From the Garden - A collection of Art and Poetry with Biblical conotations and inspirations.
2. A Little Princess - Fraces Hodgson Burnett. Call me an old-fashioned nerd, but a story of unfailing hope and triumph.
3. The Bean Trees - Barbara Kingsolver. One of my first "non-christian authored" novels that wasn't school curriculum. I fell in love with it.
4. Pocket Dictionary of Theological Terms - This meant that I could get through my first year of college, and understand Matt and Chuck.
5. My Utmost for His Highest - Oswald Chambers. Even though I don't agree with a bunch of what he says, it was a devotional that I could actually read each day, and it made me think and challenge my predestined ideas.

Honorable Mentions:
Mere Christianity - C.S. Lewis (At least what I've read so far)
Lord of the Rings Trilogy and The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkein. Two reasons - 1) I never thought I'd actually make it through this series. 2) It reminds me of my dad.
Bridget Jones' diary - Helen Feilding. It gave me a genuine laugh, now I can laugh like a British person!

OK This wasn't on the original thing... but it should have been.

5 Books on my Wish To Read list.
1: Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister - Gregory Maguire. It looks quite amusing!
2: A Generous Orthodoxy - can't remember who wrote it, but for obvious reasons, it's on the list.
3: Philosophy by Keirkegard (sp?) but I can't afford it right now.
4: The Memiors of Marcus Aurelious (I've started but haven't finished yet)
5: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - July ERIKA!!!! Less than a month!! Yes!


OK That was fun, even though I cheated and wasn't actually tagged (Thanks Matt, Thanks for not picking me) I will start my own. I tag Amanda, Erika and Maximus! (I couldn't think of any other girls, so HA!)

A Quiet Day

It's raining. Bad for the allergies, but good for the soul I think. I like the rain because it always seems to allow me to have a quiet day. Everyone says it's gloomy, and I suppose it is, but I like the peaceful silence it brings, the grayness of it is calming to me. I like the rain.

The singing went fairly smooth, it's done, which also contributes to the quietness of my soul I'm sure. :-) Thanks Chuck and Erika, and of course Derek, for coming out and supporting me. I definately focused on that, Erika I LOVED watching you groove in the pew. But now it's done and I can relax until the next stretching experience comes my way.

So I sit, sniffling and rubbing my eyes, but it's worth it for the rain. I don't have anything philosophical today, it's my quiet day. I wasted all my philosophy and theology yesterday (and by wasted I mean enjoyed a lovely conversation over the burger with an egg). So instead of reading my long thoughts and drawn out conclusions, go listen to the rain, and have a quiet day.

It's necessary.

Saying No

There are two things I have been asked to do lately. One I have committed to, and the other I have said no to. The first one is singing. I have been asked by my very good friend Shawna if I would mind filling in as a singer for their young adults group called "Commit". I have done this before and it's been fun and pretty relaxed, however this time we are doing the worship for a Sunday morning service at Southgate Alliance Church. This coming Sunday to be exact, and I am petrified. Am I scared because I don't think that I will sing well enough? Because I would rather be playing the piano since that's what I am good at? Because I don't know all the songs as well as I'd like? Yes, Yes, and Yes, but more to the point I am scared of Southgate.

Having attended this church from the age of 6 to the age of 18, you would think that I would be comfortable there. This is a complete untruth. Going to southgate without the backup of my parents, without knowing that my dad will be preaching from the platform is like entering enemy territory with a water gun. But the funny thing is, it's not enemy territory. The majority of the people there are genuinely interested in how I'm doing, and want to know what's been happening in my life. However, everytime I go in there (And yes I know this is something I project on myself) I feel like a washed up soap opera actor. Everybody waves and is polite (There are the select few that are not so polite, and stare a little, but mostly they're all really nice) , but it's like they all knew who I used to be, and are hanging onto that image for dear life. I am the last connection to my dad, and so they want to spend there few minutes asking me questions and making conversation because it reminds them of something good. I guess this is a good thing, but mostly I just want to be left alone. I was talking to Matt Thompson on Saturday night about struggling with feelings and dreams about being trapped, and I think that's how this makes me feel, and why it bothers me so much.

My time at Southgate was some of the best growing up I could imagine. I loved it there, I loved being a pastors daughter (especially of the best pastor EVER!! No offense Chuck and Matt, but he's my dad!!) I loved that everybody knew who I was (unless they didn't like something I was doing...then it got a little sketchy) but when I go there now, I just feel scared, crowded and impressed upon. I feel so exposed. I always try to do my makeup and hair different hoping that less people will recognize me. I think the most frustrating thing about this is that I don't understand it. These are NICE people, caring sweet people who are not judging me, who just want to know what's going on in my family, and catch a glimpse of a wonderful passed season at Southgate, but I panic. I don't get it.

So anyways, I am singing at Southgate on Sunday morning, facing my fear. The service is at 10:30am.

Now the thing that I did say no to...well I'm GOING to say no to:

I came home to a message on my answering machine regarding a wedding I am going to, that my parents are also making the trip for. It was asking me if I'd be willing to get some friends of the bride together and perform a skit or a joke musical at the wedding. In front of all the guests. And my parents. And the brides family. And the grooms family. Needless to say this is not going to happen. I think that my whole year would culminate in a complete breakdown and thorazine drip if I had to get up in front of a wedding full of people and beltout a joke musical, or a skit. To understand this request, you have to understand where it's coming from. I LOVE the bride, and I love her family, but this would just break me I think. Straight jacket, and padded room. Am I being unreasonable?

So I am striving to find the balance between saying no for legitamite reasons, and saying no out of fear. I generally hate saying no to anybody, but there are times when it becomes a necessary skill. I know there are times when I am not willing to be stretched by God, and say no because I am scared. I am trying to learn the best times to refuse and the best ways. It's all about motive....as my dad would say, and who am I to argue? He has a Master's!

ARGH!!!

I hate this afternoon! I am not supposed to stress about what I cannot change, but seriously there is a line where stress just takes over! It si CRAZY here this afternoon! I like my Friday's to be nice and relaxed - no such luck. Everytime I think I have a handle on things three more things come up!! I am only taking the time to write this to keep me sane! SANITY! SAAAAANNNNITEEEEE!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!