Saying No
There are two things I have been asked to do lately. One I have committed to, and the other I have said no to. The first one is singing. I have been asked by my very good friend Shawna if I would mind filling in as a singer for their young adults group called "Commit". I have done this before and it's been fun and pretty relaxed, however this time we are doing the worship for a Sunday morning service at Southgate Alliance Church. This coming Sunday to be exact, and I am petrified. Am I scared because I don't think that I will sing well enough? Because I would rather be playing the piano since that's what I am good at? Because I don't know all the songs as well as I'd like? Yes, Yes, and Yes, but more to the point I am scared of Southgate.
Having attended this church from the age of 6 to the age of 18, you would think that I would be comfortable there. This is a complete untruth. Going to southgate without the backup of my parents, without knowing that my dad will be preaching from the platform is like entering enemy territory with a water gun. But the funny thing is, it's not enemy territory. The majority of the people there are genuinely interested in how I'm doing, and want to know what's been happening in my life. However, everytime I go in there (And yes I know this is something I project on myself) I feel like a washed up soap opera actor. Everybody waves and is polite (There are the select few that are not so polite, and stare a little, but mostly they're all really nice) , but it's like they all knew who I used to be, and are hanging onto that image for dear life. I am the last connection to my dad, and so they want to spend there few minutes asking me questions and making conversation because it reminds them of something good. I guess this is a good thing, but mostly I just want to be left alone. I was talking to Matt Thompson on Saturday night about struggling with feelings and dreams about being trapped, and I think that's how this makes me feel, and why it bothers me so much.
My time at Southgate was some of the best growing up I could imagine. I loved it there, I loved being a pastors daughter (especially of the best pastor EVER!! No offense Chuck and Matt, but he's my dad!!) I loved that everybody knew who I was (unless they didn't like something I was doing...then it got a little sketchy) but when I go there now, I just feel scared, crowded and impressed upon. I feel so exposed. I always try to do my makeup and hair different hoping that less people will recognize me. I think the most frustrating thing about this is that I don't understand it. These are NICE people, caring sweet people who are not judging me, who just want to know what's going on in my family, and catch a glimpse of a wonderful passed season at Southgate, but I panic. I don't get it.
So anyways, I am singing at Southgate on Sunday morning, facing my fear. The service is at 10:30am.
Now the thing that I did say no to...well I'm GOING to say no to:
I came home to a message on my answering machine regarding a wedding I am going to, that my parents are also making the trip for. It was asking me if I'd be willing to get some friends of the bride together and perform a skit or a joke musical at the wedding. In front of all the guests. And my parents. And the brides family. And the grooms family. Needless to say this is not going to happen. I think that my whole year would culminate in a complete breakdown and thorazine drip if I had to get up in front of a wedding full of people and beltout a joke musical, or a skit. To understand this request, you have to understand where it's coming from. I LOVE the bride, and I love her family, but this would just break me I think. Straight jacket, and padded room. Am I being unreasonable?
So I am striving to find the balance between saying no for legitamite reasons, and saying no out of fear. I generally hate saying no to anybody, but there are times when it becomes a necessary skill. I know there are times when I am not willing to be stretched by God, and say no because I am scared. I am trying to learn the best times to refuse and the best ways. It's all about motive....as my dad would say, and who am I to argue? He has a Master's!
Having attended this church from the age of 6 to the age of 18, you would think that I would be comfortable there. This is a complete untruth. Going to southgate without the backup of my parents, without knowing that my dad will be preaching from the platform is like entering enemy territory with a water gun. But the funny thing is, it's not enemy territory. The majority of the people there are genuinely interested in how I'm doing, and want to know what's been happening in my life. However, everytime I go in there (And yes I know this is something I project on myself) I feel like a washed up soap opera actor. Everybody waves and is polite (There are the select few that are not so polite, and stare a little, but mostly they're all really nice) , but it's like they all knew who I used to be, and are hanging onto that image for dear life. I am the last connection to my dad, and so they want to spend there few minutes asking me questions and making conversation because it reminds them of something good. I guess this is a good thing, but mostly I just want to be left alone. I was talking to Matt Thompson on Saturday night about struggling with feelings and dreams about being trapped, and I think that's how this makes me feel, and why it bothers me so much.
My time at Southgate was some of the best growing up I could imagine. I loved it there, I loved being a pastors daughter (especially of the best pastor EVER!! No offense Chuck and Matt, but he's my dad!!) I loved that everybody knew who I was (unless they didn't like something I was doing...then it got a little sketchy) but when I go there now, I just feel scared, crowded and impressed upon. I feel so exposed. I always try to do my makeup and hair different hoping that less people will recognize me. I think the most frustrating thing about this is that I don't understand it. These are NICE people, caring sweet people who are not judging me, who just want to know what's going on in my family, and catch a glimpse of a wonderful passed season at Southgate, but I panic. I don't get it.
So anyways, I am singing at Southgate on Sunday morning, facing my fear. The service is at 10:30am.
Now the thing that I did say no to...well I'm GOING to say no to:
I came home to a message on my answering machine regarding a wedding I am going to, that my parents are also making the trip for. It was asking me if I'd be willing to get some friends of the bride together and perform a skit or a joke musical at the wedding. In front of all the guests. And my parents. And the brides family. And the grooms family. Needless to say this is not going to happen. I think that my whole year would culminate in a complete breakdown and thorazine drip if I had to get up in front of a wedding full of people and beltout a joke musical, or a skit. To understand this request, you have to understand where it's coming from. I LOVE the bride, and I love her family, but this would just break me I think. Straight jacket, and padded room. Am I being unreasonable?
So I am striving to find the balance between saying no for legitamite reasons, and saying no out of fear. I generally hate saying no to anybody, but there are times when it becomes a necessary skill. I know there are times when I am not willing to be stretched by God, and say no because I am scared. I am trying to learn the best times to refuse and the best ways. It's all about motive....as my dad would say, and who am I to argue? He has a Master's!
posted by Rach at 10:23 AM
5 Comments:
Totally understand Rach. I get the same treatment when I go back to see my relatives every 2 years or so. They definatly have the 15 year old pre-Alberta version of me in mind when I see them. I think it's difficult for people to move away from idealized concepts. Being 12 or so is great in that you have everything figured out. You know what job you want, how old you'll be when you get married, how many kids you'll have. Then you get older and the whole 'what do I really want' sets in. I'm guilty of the same thing, I hate seeing my teenage cousins as wanna be ganstas when I spent a good deal of time finger painting with them ten years ago. Anyway, I'm rambling now because I'm think when I should be working. Good luck Sun.
I'll be there for you, Rach.
Yes Rach, we will be there. Maybe some of us could get together before and go in at the same time, walking in a circle with shields at the ready to protect our soft fleshy bits...or maybe just for moral support? Let us know your plans that morning.
I love you my friends, you are amazing. Your support amazes me more each time it's given, and I can't thank you enough for being there for me, and understanding! Besides, since I have a surplus of soft fleshy bits....the sheilds may be a good idea. But I think we may have a practice right before the service, I will get back to you. Thank you...again, always.
Sometimes fear is a legitimate reason to say no.
I know I don't have to say that I am here for you... but I will anyway.
I will be here for you.
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