Fitting it all in
Ok. So there has been a decided lack of blogging on my part. I could apologize, but it's my blog and I really don't feel the need. :-)
Aside from the lack of internet, attempting to pack up my house and being mind-numblingly ill, Derek and I have experienced a big loss. His grandfather passed away a week and a half ago. We were with him when he died. That's all I can write about it now. I can't expound. Just can't.
So tonight I have been attempting to catch up on the blogging that has passed me by since my last internet fix. I can't help feeling a bit overwhelmed with information, philosophy, secrets, some of which I knew, some of which I probably needed to hear, and some of which I can't seem to fit into my psyche? realm of comprehension? world view? I don't know. They just don't fit.
I am a selfish girl. I want my life to be for me. It is in my personal nature to be generous or compassionate, to want to give time and energy - at least to a point. And yet sometimes I find myself putting that aside to go for the glittering things that catch my eye and sparkle oh-so-insistantly until I get caught up in their tantalazing beauty. I can't help but think that rejecting one of the few positive qualities that is built into my nature in order to be selfish is the worst kind of selfishness. This fact alone makes me most reluctant to get involved in any organization which may cause me to examine my love quotient, or my selflesness quotient. Is it because I am ashamed? or because they may cause me to change and I wish to pleasantly reject this reality and substitue my own? I don't know. Both?
And again I have made it about me. All about me. I know that I will never be enough. I will never have enough, give enough, do enough, be enough, love enough. I am bad, and don't even want to change. Fortunately, I am living with almost 7 billion others who are the exact same way. I don't need to feel alone. And like Chuck says, my salvation is assured. I am loved. Now I just need to understand why, through careful thought, prayer and study, and all the while and above all, allow that love to flow through me to others. Not because of me, or for me. Through me. Only a vessel.
Ok so that is probably the most random and cathartic thing I have written yet, please excuse the complete disregard of grammar and structure. I am too tired to consider such things for now. Thank you, and Goodnight.
Aside from the lack of internet, attempting to pack up my house and being mind-numblingly ill, Derek and I have experienced a big loss. His grandfather passed away a week and a half ago. We were with him when he died. That's all I can write about it now. I can't expound. Just can't.
So tonight I have been attempting to catch up on the blogging that has passed me by since my last internet fix. I can't help feeling a bit overwhelmed with information, philosophy, secrets, some of which I knew, some of which I probably needed to hear, and some of which I can't seem to fit into my psyche? realm of comprehension? world view? I don't know. They just don't fit.
I am a selfish girl. I want my life to be for me. It is in my personal nature to be generous or compassionate, to want to give time and energy - at least to a point. And yet sometimes I find myself putting that aside to go for the glittering things that catch my eye and sparkle oh-so-insistantly until I get caught up in their tantalazing beauty. I can't help but think that rejecting one of the few positive qualities that is built into my nature in order to be selfish is the worst kind of selfishness. This fact alone makes me most reluctant to get involved in any organization which may cause me to examine my love quotient, or my selflesness quotient. Is it because I am ashamed? or because they may cause me to change and I wish to pleasantly reject this reality and substitue my own? I don't know. Both?
And again I have made it about me. All about me. I know that I will never be enough. I will never have enough, give enough, do enough, be enough, love enough. I am bad, and don't even want to change. Fortunately, I am living with almost 7 billion others who are the exact same way. I don't need to feel alone. And like Chuck says, my salvation is assured. I am loved. Now I just need to understand why, through careful thought, prayer and study, and all the while and above all, allow that love to flow through me to others. Not because of me, or for me. Through me. Only a vessel.
Ok so that is probably the most random and cathartic thing I have written yet, please excuse the complete disregard of grammar and structure. I am too tired to consider such things for now. Thank you, and Goodnight.
posted by Rach at 7:05 PM
3 Comments:
Don't make me pull out the Suck-It-Up-Princess stick!
Luv ya, Rage. Get better soon. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.
Rachel, please pass along our thoughts and prayers to Derek, and keep just as large a share for yourself!
This remainder might sound cliche or trite, but please bear with me.
To use the Message translation of Matthew 22:39, to "love others as well as you love yourself' means that the better you love yourself, the better you can love those around you. So love the fact that you love beauty -- "whatsoever things are lovely, think on these things." Love the fact that you are compassionate and generous, and do give of your time and energy. Love your love of words and poetry, and your constant quest after the truth, and your sincerity and kindness and hope. Love how easily you can be hurt. Love your concern at your own potential for selfishness. Love yourself enough to take some time for yourself, and to do kind things for yourself.
Or maybe take the reverse tack: love yourself as well as you love Derek.
Or even better yet, love yourself the way God loves you, always and completely, even when at times you are selfish, and with utter joy and delight when you are not.
And pardon my presumption with this last thought (if I haven't already been too presumptuous): you might think you don't have many answers to your constant questions, but you've already achieved a measure of wisdom in that, even though you are young, you don't think you know everything already. Let me tell you, you know more than you think!
Godspeed!
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