Introspection and Associations

My blogs have really been going downhill content wise. I was reading some of my archives from last May. It looks like I was thinking and growing a lot more then. But, as we all know, looks can be decieving. Perhaps I just need to remember to put down some of my thoughts as they seem a little more ephemeral these days.


I watched Donnie Darko tonight for the second time. There's a particular scene that phased me more this time, where a self-proclaimed motivational speaker has been engaged to speak to a high school on conquering their fear and moving towards love. Most of what came out of his mouth was complete trash. Nothing conclusive, nothing concrete. Just cotton candy that melts in your mouth and leaves your hands sticky. I must confess, it reminded me of church. That being said, it does not remind me of most of the churches that I've had the fortune to be involved in. I've been exposed to some wonderful church settings where the cotton candy is bypassed for meat and potatos, and real life altering issues are discussed. I've listened to preachers who know where they're heading with a sermon, and are not guided by a blinking sign that reades "Guilt trip = Tithe". Preachers who are not afraid to admit when they've made a mistake, and tell stories that make their lessons applicable to life.

Its funny though, being reminded of church through such a negative scene in this movie ignites the flame of frustration in me. You know the one, where you encounter someone who has a Bible-shaped bruise on their forehead and is thus terrified to talk to you or any such associated "Christian" about anything that actually matters, restricting their remarks instead to the weather. You just want to ask them to follow you for a day, to show them that we're not all like that, that we all screw up and aren't afraid to admit it. That we can sometimes reserve judgement on others in order to examine oureselves. And yet here I am, not doing anything about this image. It is so brave of me to sit here, hiding behind my laptop, professing brave words on the virtuosity of Christians who aren't afraid to make mistakes. Wow what a concept. Am I actually rewarding myself for owning up to my faults? Am I giving myself licence to commit more by such an admission? What does this make me? Lazy? A coward perhaps? Should I not be striving to decrease my faults, instead of glorying in the fact that I am not afraid to admit the multitude I commit? I think, somewhere on this journey to be open and honest with the world about my faults and doubts and fears, my humbleness has dropped to the wayside, and I am forgetting that part of humility is the daily battle not to repeat the same mistakes, whether I am willing to admit them or not.

I want to make a difference in the world's view of Christians. I want to change the associations that come with church, even into my own mind. But the way to do this is not solely through being willing to admit my wrongs. The tools and strength to do this don't even lie within my reach. So I must get down on my knees, once again, and open myself to the humility that comes with the life that I strive to lead.

Thanks for listening.